Monday, November 22, 2004

Woke up after sleepin for 5hrs after 16hrs of work(night shift thru morning shift till 3pm)...didnt even budge when my grandma's family from my father's side came to visit..coz i cant move!Was sleepin on my parents' bed when i was awaken by their chattering sounds then i realised i was in too much pain(in my back) to move..so i juz laid there, and promptly fell asleep again..my back is super numb, especially after puttin on the medicated plasters..Throughout working the night shift, i wasn't in so much pain until dawn broke..like as though got the blunt edges of a knife pressing against the upper half of my spine..at first sharp, then it became a dull pain..the panadol actifast didnt work but in the end, it felt numb...then the lower back started achin coz of too much standing around on my feet which was logical la(after 16hrs of work)..anyway,i cant figure out y the upper back was/is in pain coz i didnt carry much heavy stuff this time around ar..strange. Anyway,i handed in the resignation letter wif a hint of regret coz i noe i'll miss the place after workin for like 12mths..*shrugs*not like anyone really care that i'm leavin la except my nite shift partner whu cant believe that i'm resignin..Haha,i played a joke on her that she's due for work today from 12-11pm and she actually fell for it and called up the office in a frenzy..i'm so gonna b murdered when we work together(for the last time) tis friday nitez..*sad*..

Anyway, yesterday i watched(For the 2nd time) this lame lame lame chinese movie; 'turn left,turn right' Actually, the storyline wasnt that bad except for the ending which sux!And it was directed by wong kar wai(correct anot?) whu's quite reowned for his works ritez.."-,- Is it that the writers didnt haf time to finish their scripts or wat.."Beautiful is uncertainty, but uncertainty is more beautiful.."blah blah the quote that echoed throughout the movie..but wat i remembered clearly was the "millions of times 2 ppl can passed by each other without falling in love but there is also 1 time when 2 ppl passed by each other only to fall in love; which is called 'destiny'"Hmmz..very true..*smiles*..

Didnt get to see the little boy for 3days now.." i am like someone who has lost her shadow" Nvm,will get to c 2morrow=) coz i really, desperately need a trip to see the doctor b4 my back crumples on me..damn back,wats wrong wif u..first the sprained ankle, now the back..i haf a lousy body.. *tinks* oh ya,the dollmaster i heard is no longer showing..har!That goes to show if u really want to see something, go n watch yourself instead of sittin ard waiting for ppl to acc..*gives up* Fine,it happened alot of times to me but i juz cant get that lesson thru my head..juz bounced off me, boing-boing..

School's startin in a week..*yawns*not realli lookin fwd after seein those 'management' modules we haf to take under VC..sianz liaoz..Mi revamped the timetable tat alex emailed us all and changed the colors until look v.pink..hopefully,it'll haf a positive effect on mi besides lookin all nice n pinky..hopefully,the lessons would also be like dat ar*wishful*..

I cant feel my back..


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Monday, November 22, 2004

12th October 1985

Hanson I Will Come To You lyrics

When you have no light to guide you
And no one to walk beside you
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

When the night is dark and stormy
You won't have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

Sometimes when all your dreams may have seen better days
When you don't know how or why, but you've lost your way
Have no fear when your tears are fallin'
I will hear your spirit callin'
And I swear I'll be there come what may(Repeat Chorus)'

Cause even if we can't be together
We'll be friends now and forever
And I swear that
I'll be there come what may

When the night is dark and stormy
You won't have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

We all need somebody we can turn to
Someone who'll always understand
So if you feel that your soul is dyin'
And you need the strength to keep tryin'
I'll reach out and take your hand
(Repeat Chorus)


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Monday, November 22, 2004

12th October 1985

Friday, November 19, 2004

Juz got the timetable liaoz after takin a double take readin caryn's blog. hha,i actually glanced at her latest entry then was clickin on the 'back' button when i saw the word' timetable out' and i had to hit the 'forward' button to reread:p Watching Shark's tale was great yesterday ar, especially c-in u n lihui n meemum again ^v^. Even though watched it for the 2nd time, it was still enjoyable, and reconfirmed my suspicions dat LENNY is a GAY shark!!gosh! "i'm a vegetarian" wahaha!..er,a lizard juz crawled across my wall..

Mum's been sick for a couple of days and i'm feelin like one horrible daughter whu instead of spendin time takin care of her, i was out Workin..and not onli for few hours but like more than 8 hours Everyday!!Damn them,i'm beginnin to seriously hate the management..No 3-days holidays for the Malays to celebrate fully..even some of my colleagues had to work like on the first day of hari raya,damn crap! N b4 dat, one of my colleague's aunt passed away and SHE HAD TO COME TO WORK, no compassionate leave. Damn APEK of a manager..n he employed ppl 2day onli to be trained here and transfer to other places..and he stole my colleagues to work in the indoor stadium for the badminton tournament, leavin mi to work the whole shift alone yesterday afternoon,Boo!!but ok la,i treat the place like my own n started scrubbin here n there..wats worse is like the full-timers so preoccupied wif the makeshift stall that they hardly care wats goin on in the Real store-my workplace.never take out cigarettes, never order buns, never help to tidy up either the office or the store. Had their priorities mixed up i tink..i give up.i'm leaving and the proof is i juz printed out my resignation letter. i AM LEAVING, woohoo!i WIll Leave

*sighs* i juz wanna b a student once more. it seems like everyone did better than me ar in the first sem so muz focus more..i dont wan to work. Now still in sch, i dont haf to work. Later on, i haf no choice but to work so why choose the option of workin now when i dont haf to..har,but if dad wont give mi allowance,i got no choice ar..so tired..oh ya, had an enjoyable time wif my sec sch friends the other day at kbox..though i dunno wat the hell they were singin abt(in chinese, no less) except for jady's singin hotel california(which was quite nice btw) it was fun being wif them again..the grp's gettin smaller n smaller though*ponders*..too bad i had to leave like few hrs later coz someone wanted to send me home ar=) Happy belated bday minli,so sorri i didnt get to wish u on the actual day!Stay smart n pretty alwayz ^v^

Raihan smsed mi abt how nobody seems enthusiastic abt goin out hari raya..*shrugs*..we R driftin apart mah, esp wif everyone havin their own other halves, but mostly, all are beginnin to haf their own Lives ar..nuraini's gonna graduate out of poly soon..n she's the Farthest among us already la, not realli interested wats up wif us oso..in the World that She created on her own right in NYP..without Us..n around her So-called Popular, Pretty Talented friends(whom she tried hard to be also la as wat we 2 can see, but CMI) Azim?dunno lei,i'm not that Close to him..Besides, after the huge fights she had wif her bf abt nurain's bf whu kept callin her, nobody can blame them that the friendship is like a breakin twig already..i hope mine's wont but it could pretty much go that way too..*ponders* Does friendship really ever last? Even if it does, is the same Enthusiasm shared when it begins, stay the same when its lasting or ending?..Sad..Val,yun?are we still watchin the doll master?Or haf u 2 watch already..*sighs*u 2 oso i hardly see anymore..wats up, take care k ..*sad*..

Its the end of the year liaoz..where's everybody is the qn on my mind..huiling, rena, frennies;addy,belle(S!),yirang,amelia(Amk!),justina teo,ming,joy,hani=all of us used to be each other's strength for comfort/support esp durin the times of the a'levels(exactly a year ago) ....val..yun..nuraini..azim..blah blah..hey Ming, are u coming back for xmas from australia??i oso dunno if she's readin my blog hha.

TO the Nus ppl(norisha,addy,hani,yirang?,amelia, isabelle),i noe the exams upon u all now,study hard n enjoy the holz k,best of luck!

To the SIM ppl(Clarabelle,joy) is the holidays over?i dunno lei,but jia you!! THx for ur note,c-belle~Joy?i heard nothing from u, like hani said: "joy, are u still alive?-joy to the world"

To Yun/Val: It was me whu called this afternoon usin my workplace's number ar cos the supervisor wans mi to enquire abt starhub stuff. Sorri he brushed either of u off when 1 of u called back ar..=) Take care my 2 pillars of strength..

KK,now feelin down already after tinkin n writin those thoughts down..i need a hug. Monkey, hug..


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Friday, November 19, 2004

12th October 1985

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

I found a poem!!Regretfully,its not mine..COme to tink of it, havent been writin for long

"Sunset"

I wonder how I ever made it thru the day
How did I settle for a world in shades of grey
When u go in circles all the scenery looks the same
And you don’t know why
Then I looked into your eyes
Where the world stretched out in front of me
And I realised
I never lived before your love
I never felt before your touch
I never needed anyone to make me feel alive
But then again, I wasn’t really living
I never lived before your love
I wanted more than just an ordinary life
All of my dreams seemed like castles in the sky
I stand b4 you and my heart is in your hands
And I don’t know how
I survived without your kiss
Cause you’ve given me a reason to exist
…
And I don’t know why, why the sun decides to shine
But you breathed your love into me just in time



Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Tuesday, November 16, 2004

12th October 1985

Monday, November 15, 2004

Do not steal this title or i'll sue u for copyright!IF i'm gonna write a book,thats gonna be my title..juz like my lit.teacher told mi Her title which i shall not reveal ..but it gotta do wif food strangely..Heh,write a book?more like writin it in the clouds in the dreams that fill my mind..I r realised i haf alot of stuff to write abt usually..but,there's no comp. or laptop or palmtop ard for mi to type so the thoughts are usually gone after a few steps..*tinks*..oh well

"The graveyard at sunset" is AbSolutely Beautiful..so Serene..its The place i've been Lookin for, for a peace of mind..not by the beach, not in my bedroom but at the graveyard with the setting sun on the horizon..The air is so still,so calm u can hear ur own thoughts(and maybe that of others alive or dead..?:P kiddin)..I fell in love since i stepped on it sunday's evening when i went to visit my late grandpa's grave..The smell of flowers,fresh mud(sand,soil wateva)..esp. the settin sun on the horizon(ok,i said dat twice..)..the wind blowing ever so softly every few mins or seconds..like my uncle said, sittin there can b so peaceful tat makes u wanna fall asleep..i Lurvve it there..more so wif the fact that its 1 place i could connect wif my late grandpa..in truth,i didnt want to leave..

'be wif' him..as though he's still ard(like my uncle said) and he's listening to my thoughts that go unspoken..My uncle told me to talk to 'him' but i cant say it out loud verbally..or else i'll juz bawl my heart out..there is so much i wanna convey..dat i juz hope that he could listen n understand what my heart wanna say..abt my family,abt Our family(big n nuclear n umm,sometimes warring?)..abt me,abt him,abt grandma,abt everything..Its the Place where i could "be together" once more..not physically but spiritually..spiritually,he's there..more than ever for thats his final place..As my uncle had said, its like he's sitting down there n lookin up at us lookin down at him..*bite lips*..So often the tears threatened to fall but didnt,thx gdness or it'll never stop ar..its threatenin again now so i'm gonna blog abt the beautiful scenery instead..Pity it was gettin dark n we had to go,there are so many graves i wanna visit..my late great-grandma, my step-grandpa(father's side-te real one passed away in melaka) esp my first & best friend i made in my life dat i lost long ago..ok,am i soundin a bit morbid?:D Sometimes i worry abt my state of mind..

Kk,my malay aint that gd but to me its somethin like 'suasana sepi dan suci di tanah perkuburan"..aura of peacefulness yet pure in this final restin place..sometin like dat lah,dunno how to describe..funny ha..i love the graveyard..i tink ppl readin tis will b a bit weird out liaoz..my mind is still back there after like more than 24hrs after i left it..My mum said that such visits will usually make one change for the better for they get to see how they would one day end up like..like them whu were already there..*dreamz*..if onli i could b a better person..as in spiritually*where i am quite stupid to say the truth* n mentally..ppl says i'm strong,but dats not true to me ah..itz juz a facade of the weakness of who i am inside..Being strong isnt strength to me,its weakness..its defence at its ultimate..its not a good thing for in the end,the 'strong' ones are the one left standin on their own..Alone..My 'strength' is to me, my greatest weakness.

Anyway,i'm havin a horrible time wif the upper part of my back..for unknown reasons..itz juz givin mi spasms of pain from time to time until i could cry out loud n crumble..n sometimes i didnt do anythin lo..like dat time was prayin n i sneezed twice n my upper back screamed in pain tat i realli tot i'll faint ar..i havent been training so that couldnt b the problem..unless like wat my mum said, u havent been training tats y ur back pain..huh??Or is it coz of aikido trainings where sometimes will get forced down by the partner in session ar when practising the different techniques of unarmed combat..Sometimes when i'm down on the mat,i wonder y the hell i joined aikido onli to get such treatments..and some partners are juz heartless!Use strength to make mi go down coz they noe i'll resist hee:D..I guessed dats y sensei said he and the other higher belters will noe whu had practised martial arts b4, for such ppl would usually try to resist when being tried out the moves..he said somethin hurtful at tat session too, directed to the other practitioners of martial arts like me for insteance(not sure if he noes i'm one la)..but tkd is a sport wat..(Denial :D) Anyway i cant remember and i shant bother to, coz it'll affect my focus in learnin aikido..

"The graveyard at sunset"-too beautiful to describe, too pure to be tainted wif mere words of mine..like the sun,it tinges wif sadness of separation of the night between day, the ones dat had walked the earth and the ones dat still do..As the sun sets,it brings abt the loneliness of the grave sleepers whu are left on their own once more as the living goes on home...




Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Monday, November 15, 2004

12th October 1985

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Sick.I am SIck-as in physically..n maybe a little(or alot)mentally..so not well,can i dont celebrate hari raya..its not the first time i've been sick on tis special day..maybe its coz i dont look fwd or treasure it,thats y..i'm havin gastric flu after havin gastric pains for almost a week already..Hmm,mum wants mi to vacuum the house.off i go.Slamat hari raya !!


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Sunday, November 14, 2004

12th October 1985

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Against tears,pain,anger,denial,sadness..?Trying to stand resolute on the shaky ground..never to forget..easy to forgive..trust,distrust..mistrust..Everything rolls into one,they say..to become wat...complete mess..absolute nothingness..blur?nah,its clear..Sun is shining,its dark in my room..Sun is shining furiously,i don't feel da heat though..Fan is blowing but i dont feel the breeze..Its a beautiful day, for sure its gonna be..i feel untouched ..right here typing,i feel ..cold..on my own..

Scab on the leg/body part..like a past hurtful memory on one's life tat serves to be there as a reminder..tat never lets u 4get..sometimes it leaves a scar so dat u'll always remember it..dull,etching,itching blot on ur skin dat will never,ever go away..Pick,pick,pick on it to ease away the itch,the pain but it bleeds further as though like one whu pursue one's unhappiness to find the reason to end it all..in an attempt to start anew/fresh/stops the pain..it only serves to create a whole new circle of pain n itchiness again..jus like an attempt to find a cure to the unhappiness n pain, only to be reminded fully by it in the end, creating a new wave of pain n sadness..

S.E.N.S.E.L.E.S.S

"y u cry?i'm not dead yet"..yah,ur not.i am..deep inside..somehow,somewhere..something died..or is dying..



Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Saturday, November 13, 2004

12th October 1985

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Hha,i juz woke up!!kiddin la..an hour ago abt 11am wahaha..n ppl were callin mi nonstop n interrupting my sleep argh(buggers!!) first was raihan smsing mi when i wanna break fast wif her..2nd was brenda screamin at my ear why i nvr turn up for work(i faked mc ar) and third was norisha in her jovial tone asking whether i wanna break fast wif her 2day, and askin mi to decide rite then n there..i replied her later la(when i'm more awake)..dats y i hate putting my phone to "Alive" mode..its damn noisy ar.."silent" mode is so much much much betta ahh..I think i seriously wanna quit Cheers,its not fun working there anymore; understaff,underpaid, and under-appreciated..especially under that 'apek' of a manager..everyone is stressed out,tense, and well not happy la..

Anyway,4got wat i wanna blog liaoz aha..hmz,waisan juz smsed mi..n i still dunno whether i can turn up for the birthdayS celebrations tomorrow liaoz..n syahidah still never reply coz i wanna change shift wif her in order to make it to the celebrations ar grrr!!..

My cousin whu stayed wif mi juz left to return to his 'hometown' in batam..'hometown' for thats where he got his education from, but he's a pure red-blooded singaporean (farnie ar,indonesians go to extremes to put their child to study here, but its happenin the other way for my cousin) but onli for awhile,i hopes he comes back n not heed my father's advice to get out..it was fun havin him around, esp to my mum..its juz dad whu refused to let him stay on wif us coz he wants back his room(which was currently occupied by my cousin)..selfish right..now we got a decker bed so i hope he change his mind abt chasin my cousin out..waah,he's not staying for hari raya, celebrating it instead at Batam where his parents are living at..aww

gtg already,will blog more tonight hopefully*sunny smile*


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Wednesday, November 10, 2004

12th October 1985

lol,firstly i realised i'm dumb, as correctly pointed out by "jimmy chew" -
http://asiantown.net/blog/fla/are_you_dumb.swf lol!

Secondly,i'm cat-less. i have No cats in the house anymore, absolute zilch,zero cats around. i am Cat-less. N it feels bad. i feel lonely..n the house feels empty without her queenly presence:( Even Kiki's gone n she was around for like 6,7 years..haiz.hopefully she'll come back as she always does..

Thirdly, yah i'm back to my feet, walked away from my despair n stress n self-pity as usual..feels great,feels..normal *shrugs*
"When life gets the best of me, i juz think of you"-Tata young

I cleaned my fridge today*proud*..i am the official fridge cleaner at home and i do the job damn well..maybe i shud consider it a secondary career..or just a career..Ppl always say to hav a job that showcase n brings out the best of ur abilities..um ya,cleaning a fridge is one..Not bad wat,a fridge-cleaning service. i dont think there's one out there in the market...

Anyway,i got my results today..it was the first thing i did after Meemum smsed mi to ask how's life n how's my results..and i was like, huh?results out already meh,where..it was out since 6th nov hha..laggin as usual->me=) ..and my first reaction was?Gross, no 'A' sia..though having no 'E' on it as my jc results had usually produced was pretty pleasing to look at la..but still..pretty rounded results,dun understand the credit thing lei..how come low grade but high credit..or is it the higher the number means lower credit..??!Ok,tis sounded stupid la but like that 'jimmy chew' said, i am dumb,i am a loser wahaha..*shrugs-sunny smile* Thought i had failed 'broadcast' but still got a 'c+' in the end,not bad ar..maybe it was the crappy interview ica i had wif ms soo siew lee..wah lauz,damn crap ar her..i still remember

Me:So as a career woman etc etc..wat does ur husband think of it..

MsSSL: He's fine with it,in fact he doesnt mind. he's a househusband u see

Me:(aghast-i didnt expect that)

Me:Sorry,he's a househusband?U mean he takes care of the household chores n stuff. In the elizabethan era where men brings the dough home, and women stays home to cook n maintain the house, what does he think of the roles being switched around these days?

MSSL: He doesnt mind it at all. I bring the dough home, and he..he takes care of the household chores, the kids..etc

Me:(aghast-this woman is damn crap lo,wanna make me fail isit?I'll take her on)

Me: So what does his parents tink of it then..esp his dad?

Ms SSL: Oh,his dad Was a househusband too you see..so they don't mind. they're the average, modern singaporean family..

Me:(damn her)So it ran in the genes, u mean..(Diaoz!)

(i managed to divert her back to the ica interview topic thankfully)

So crash,bang,damn interview but i tink it pulled mi thru ar, esp after screwin up the stand-upper totally..hated broadcast but ms rose is nice..Sometimes i wonder wat am i doin bein in the media when i hates the spotlight or limelights, but then i remember,i love writing ^v^..but scriptwritin module didnt do as well as expected,waah..pretty sad ar..the 3 modules i sayang;scriptwriting,comp.tech,n marketing..all do ok onli waah..creative module as expected didnt do well la,i knew miss ovidia wasnt impressed by me ..n intro.to media..muz b the paper that screwed me ar..dun like e-exams,urgh. i've decided who i wanna work with in the future..Right Angles, Disney Channel, or advertising agencies..Pixar would be a dream man..i always wanted to work in those children programmes but too bad,i dun luv the camera dat much..oh well...stop dreaming,better start workin harder next sem..real real hard..but thx gdness also i didnt hav the 'a' i wanted in comp.tech module..or i would b seriously thinkin if i had ended up in the wrong course when i could hv gone into Digital media instead..*sunny smile*..it all works out in the end,no choice mah..

Didnt go online for the past few days,almost a week ar cos was workin in expo at the Giants sale..it was a great sale!!i wish i was the customer,will shop till drop sia..the ahem,bras were so dirt cheap!..n the bikinis were like 4bucks..fine,i dont wear,but they could make a gd bra..ok,i shall change topic..workin there was real fun, met alot of nice Giants staff whom some of the names i never really get..but like i told jasper, workin wif them for few days of course they're nice,but when it comes to long term working relationship,it may be a different story..My sales tallied for all 4days*happy* except for the 2nd day when i had shortage of 0.25 cents and jasper had excess of 0.25 cents..we probably mixed up our float earlier on ar..he gave me the excess money so both our sales tallied in the end ar... I had never seen or handle so much money before sia..especially the 3rd day when customers kept giving 50dollar bills so i had like huge stacks of it by nighttime..then it was the 1st time i saw a 1000dollar note in front of my very eyes(not by my counter,but from my mornin shift colleague)..i'd probably gawk if a customer gives mi such a huge bill..Anyway,it was a fun experience working there ar,really learnt how experienced i had become in being a cashier after workin in Cheers for almost a year..the crowd wasnt as teruk as aljunied cheers but to scan n pack huge items like a fan,dvd players,comforters was pretty eye-opening sia..especially if i have no packer by my side..Met a few nice ppl like Evonne,my first day packer*hugs*her friend Wai Shin(also my packer for the 3rd day) n Nurul, another fellow cashier whom i have yet to give my number too..Gillian was the hot cashier but a bit blur when it comes to sales..n yeh,long live the 'mat kentals' of secondary sch age who likes to sound girls few hrs or days after setting eyes on them*rolls eyes*..the lameness of these guys n girls leaves behind a tradition..

Tomorrow takin mc coz mama wanna go for dental appt and no one's ard to take care of sis..felt a bit bad coz i promised brenda i'd work ar..then must return the Giants uniforms n punchcard back to tbc..farnie how that company had changed in my eyes coz used to curse them upside down coz they had paid my salary so damn late ar..but it was thru them where i had met jasper ar, n got to know so many great, and not great ppl around..oh yea,the guy whu handled my first job there i heard was either fired or ran away coz of some problems..gd riddance i said=)..nitez


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Wednesday, November 10, 2004

12th October 1985

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Jus went in to yahoo.com and found out the results of the us presidential elections-'george bush wins 2nd term'. *heart skips a beat*..oh no,he already turned the world upside down after 4 years, now he's gonna turn it inside out..hopefully he turns it right la..um ya hopefully.

Oh,the clouds cried wif mi tonight..it was so beautiful though deep inside, i was a wreck..jus sat down under my void deck as i always do after work n just let a few tears slide by..i'm tired of coming home to face angry ppl..i'm tired of being the brunt of ppl's anger both at work n at home n everywhere i go..i'm tired of knowing that sometimes i'm the cause of ppl's anger for reasons i have no idea Why..and i'm tired of apologising for mistakes i didn't noe i had made in the first place..Saying sorry isnt the hardest thing..its Easy..S.O.R.R.Y k for whateva i had done to make all of u angry or sad or hurt..it wasnt in my deepest intentions..it wasnt even on my Mind to receive Anger from Anyone..i just wanna get thru the day with a smile..not from me,but from everyone else..its not easy i noe..i didnt smile much 2day..even if i did,maybe it was fake..can say trying to hard to let the sun comes out when its hiding n shivering behind the dark clouds..I'm Tired of Being ME,of Being NIce Jus so i can receive a Smile in return..P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C i say me..i'm tired of being Me..

Ppl says when the clouds cry,its because the loved ones that had passed away are crying cos of missing those who still walks the earth..Muslims believe that when drizzles occur, its a form of blessing...So is it a blessin that it rained coincidentally the moment when george bush was announced the winner?..

*40 mins later*OK,i'm in a better mood after crapping around wif my pj tkd friend hha..much much better so not gonna grouse further..*smiles*damn him,gave mi so many pictures of girls yet said none is his girlfriend..though one was his ex la,and i saw HUiling!!i saw my good jc friend n ex-classmate,huiling!!*happy* So long nvr see her liaoz so when saw her in the neo print he sent mi made mi so happi hha..but my friend,he looks gd after the surgery..i remembered huiling tellin mi dat oso..yup,he looks gd but still the crappy guy i noe la..whu else can cum wif such crap of sendin mi so many photos of girls wif him slingin his arm ard them, onli to noe that none is his gf..diaoz..

*5mins later*I am shit N.O.T.H.I.N.G to nobody or anybody..*shrugs*my existence on this earth is not justified. gdnitez


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Thursday, November 04, 2004

12th October 1985

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Ya,my friend,sometimes i think i do know how u feel...coming home to a whacked up house(mine not be as bad as urs but its still pretty whacked..)..Coming home onli to be greeted' eh, you dunno whats home anymore is it?'..if i dunno,i wont have return in the first place..but yah,u could say that.sometimes i dunno what home is anymore..

B4 i come home,already got scolded by dad who's working..then i came home to be greeted with darkness n silence..no kitty to wlcm n greet me as usual..no acknowledgement that hey my presence Is wlcm see..Sometimes when i come home to situations like this faced with a home of angry,temperamental ppl..u noe what, let me walk out again.....if my presence only serves to irritate u further,let me go..out of your lives 4eva la,it'll make u happier hopefully..

Come home to see dad's not around..or zonked out on his bed,oblivious to the world..usually he's not around..day and nitez;always occupied wif somethin else rather than his family...work,work like an animal but no money to give us..i noe i grumbled abt this a 1001 times but its still da same,day in, day out..OR come home to face an angry mother..y angry?Beats me..nah,i noe y..coz of sis..absence of dad's presence nvr failed to make her cry the whole nitez thru so that it'll irritate mum whu'll then use her tongue against me..seriously,what did i do?i didn't irritate her in the first place..I TRIED to b the good daughter once in a while,for wat..to flinch whenever she wields her sharp tongue against me...i noe i'm not a Perfect daughter,but at least i don't end up in jail every weekend..I don't sleep around to screw up my life, i don't flirt around to have fun to fulfill my lustful desires..i don't wear sexy clothes to show off whateva assets i have or have not..i don't do such things jus so i wont get onto their warpaths n adds to their problems..but maybe,my presence IS a problem in the 1st place...So dad's occupied wif work, mum gets occupied/angry at sis and direct her "energy" at me..me?i will juz lock herself in the room(like now)lost in her own world..hello,this is 'home' i don't want to be in my own world..i wanna be home...surrounded by familial love n comfort n warmth..i don't wanna come home to face angry ppl..i don't wanna come home knowing i'll juz b scolded or ignored (the former is when they're awake, and the latter is when they're asleep)..

i guessed it must be the serious glitches in the education system harboured all the way from pri sch when they instilled in us the meaning of 'father' and 'home'..father is the head of the family and it is his responsibility to keep his family safe, happy, healthy blah blah blah..and 'home' means a shelter under your roof where you live with your family members; an environment that is cosy,warm and filled with LuuRRve that makes u go 'aww..'..u noe wat?bullshit. Father is just a role that a man is forced to assume when he realised that he has an extra mouth or two to feed as indicated by tradition n education..there is no guidebook that teaches him to be a 'father' he gotta learn..and along the way,he'll make mistakes and the family is supposed to be all forgiving in nature n accepts him the way he is..cant accept;take it the modern ways;'divorce',single-parent family; dysfunctional..Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day;teach a man how to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime..in this case, the father gotta find the teacher first..and sometimes he never does..find it,i mean. 'Home'..is a place where i belongs..and if i dont?its called 'shelter' or worse, refugee camp.

So sometimes i noe how my friend feels when she says she juz wanna get out of the house and set up one of hers ..at least dont have to cum home to face those angry faces all geared to throw shit at ur face as a release of their pent-up anger..yet i do know settin up a home of my own would just b another new set of problems altogether complete with four walls n a roof..whats sad is its not jus my friend n me feelin this way..ALOT of ppl do..ALOT of singaporeans do..thats y there's bachelor and bachelorette pads around..coz we want to have that shred of belief that had instilled in us since pri. sch still be true...That coming home means coming back to where one belongs...and coming home means coming back knowing that your presence and existence in the world is wholly justified

My friend:"Its shameful when our pets, four-legged creatures, are able to show their love to us where our family cant.." Nicely put, i say.

i know what a dream is now. A dream is a piece of reality that'll always be one step out of our reach..coz once touched,it'll shatter or closed up..like a mimosa plant.

Me:I missed my cat..at least she acknowledge my presence and wlcm it..at least i know she Loves me..n now she's gone...-despairs-


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Wednesday, November 03, 2004

12th October 1985

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Tuesday, November 02, 2004

12th October 1985

Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Tuesday, November 02, 2004

12th October 1985

Monday, November 01, 2004

Stuck at home with nothing to do while the clouds cried outside..i'm bored!!and i'm sick of being bored that i actually dreamt of school..that i actually missed school!argh,i'm sick in the brain sia!Missed school?Aarghh hahahahahaha..

Wah,its November already,so fast. Only a year ago was muggin for the 'A's' and now i'm boredddd...maybe i should like do some prelim papers which i still haf so as to recapture those moments of preparing for the a's at school,at mac(durin fastin season last year,without orderin food of course), at school's canteen until so late at nitez..Heh, I remember..

When us frennies ordered pizza coz we were muggin in school till v.late some more..and we gave a slice or two to Mr Woolhead, our lit.teacher who was being the 'watcher' for that nitez..so fun~!

When i accompanied Addy when she jogged round the tracks to release her stress away..Accompany as in sat down to watch and daydreamed, not as in jog together with her..pure lazy me=) Hated it when it comes to running, but love it when it comes to trainings=)...aah,those were the days..*wishful*

When few days b4 the papers actually started, ming actually squatted besides the rubbish bin and said she don't have the confidence to go thru it..that she actually has given up already..but in the end she pulled thru ar, even got better grades than me, yay!Now she's happily studyin away in Australia,jia you girl!!

Shit,i'm late for work hha!!Byez!


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Monday, November 01, 2004

12th October 1985