Monday, November 15, 2004

Do not steal this title or i'll sue u for copyright!IF i'm gonna write a book,thats gonna be my title..juz like my lit.teacher told mi Her title which i shall not reveal ..but it gotta do wif food strangely..Heh,write a book?more like writin it in the clouds in the dreams that fill my mind..I r realised i haf alot of stuff to write abt usually..but,there's no comp. or laptop or palmtop ard for mi to type so the thoughts are usually gone after a few steps..*tinks*..oh well

"The graveyard at sunset" is AbSolutely Beautiful..so Serene..its The place i've been Lookin for, for a peace of mind..not by the beach, not in my bedroom but at the graveyard with the setting sun on the horizon..The air is so still,so calm u can hear ur own thoughts(and maybe that of others alive or dead..?:P kiddin)..I fell in love since i stepped on it sunday's evening when i went to visit my late grandpa's grave..The smell of flowers,fresh mud(sand,soil wateva)..esp. the settin sun on the horizon(ok,i said dat twice..)..the wind blowing ever so softly every few mins or seconds..like my uncle said, sittin there can b so peaceful tat makes u wanna fall asleep..i Lurvve it there..more so wif the fact that its 1 place i could connect wif my late grandpa..in truth,i didnt want to leave..

'be wif' him..as though he's still ard(like my uncle said) and he's listening to my thoughts that go unspoken..My uncle told me to talk to 'him' but i cant say it out loud verbally..or else i'll juz bawl my heart out..there is so much i wanna convey..dat i juz hope that he could listen n understand what my heart wanna say..abt my family,abt Our family(big n nuclear n umm,sometimes warring?)..abt me,abt him,abt grandma,abt everything..Its the Place where i could "be together" once more..not physically but spiritually..spiritually,he's there..more than ever for thats his final place..As my uncle had said, its like he's sitting down there n lookin up at us lookin down at him..*bite lips*..So often the tears threatened to fall but didnt,thx gdness or it'll never stop ar..its threatenin again now so i'm gonna blog abt the beautiful scenery instead..Pity it was gettin dark n we had to go,there are so many graves i wanna visit..my late great-grandma, my step-grandpa(father's side-te real one passed away in melaka) esp my first & best friend i made in my life dat i lost long ago..ok,am i soundin a bit morbid?:D Sometimes i worry abt my state of mind..

Kk,my malay aint that gd but to me its somethin like 'suasana sepi dan suci di tanah perkuburan"..aura of peacefulness yet pure in this final restin place..sometin like dat lah,dunno how to describe..funny ha..i love the graveyard..i tink ppl readin tis will b a bit weird out liaoz..my mind is still back there after like more than 24hrs after i left it..My mum said that such visits will usually make one change for the better for they get to see how they would one day end up like..like them whu were already there..*dreamz*..if onli i could b a better person..as in spiritually*where i am quite stupid to say the truth* n mentally..ppl says i'm strong,but dats not true to me ah..itz juz a facade of the weakness of who i am inside..Being strong isnt strength to me,its weakness..its defence at its ultimate..its not a good thing for in the end,the 'strong' ones are the one left standin on their own..Alone..My 'strength' is to me, my greatest weakness.

Anyway,i'm havin a horrible time wif the upper part of my back..for unknown reasons..itz juz givin mi spasms of pain from time to time until i could cry out loud n crumble..n sometimes i didnt do anythin lo..like dat time was prayin n i sneezed twice n my upper back screamed in pain tat i realli tot i'll faint ar..i havent been training so that couldnt b the problem..unless like wat my mum said, u havent been training tats y ur back pain..huh??Or is it coz of aikido trainings where sometimes will get forced down by the partner in session ar when practising the different techniques of unarmed combat..Sometimes when i'm down on the mat,i wonder y the hell i joined aikido onli to get such treatments..and some partners are juz heartless!Use strength to make mi go down coz they noe i'll resist hee:D..I guessed dats y sensei said he and the other higher belters will noe whu had practised martial arts b4, for such ppl would usually try to resist when being tried out the moves..he said somethin hurtful at tat session too, directed to the other practitioners of martial arts like me for insteance(not sure if he noes i'm one la)..but tkd is a sport wat..(Denial :D) Anyway i cant remember and i shant bother to, coz it'll affect my focus in learnin aikido..

"The graveyard at sunset"-too beautiful to describe, too pure to be tainted wif mere words of mine..like the sun,it tinges wif sadness of separation of the night between day, the ones dat had walked the earth and the ones dat still do..As the sun sets,it brings abt the loneliness of the grave sleepers whu are left on their own once more as the living goes on home...




Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Monday, November 15, 2004

12th October 1985