Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Ya,my friend,sometimes i think i do know how u feel...coming home to a whacked up house(mine not be as bad as urs but its still pretty whacked..)..Coming home onli to be greeted' eh, you dunno whats home anymore is it?'..if i dunno,i wont have return in the first place..but yah,u could say that.sometimes i dunno what home is anymore..

B4 i come home,already got scolded by dad who's working..then i came home to be greeted with darkness n silence..no kitty to wlcm n greet me as usual..no acknowledgement that hey my presence Is wlcm see..Sometimes when i come home to situations like this faced with a home of angry,temperamental ppl..u noe what, let me walk out again.....if my presence only serves to irritate u further,let me go..out of your lives 4eva la,it'll make u happier hopefully..

Come home to see dad's not around..or zonked out on his bed,oblivious to the world..usually he's not around..day and nitez;always occupied wif somethin else rather than his family...work,work like an animal but no money to give us..i noe i grumbled abt this a 1001 times but its still da same,day in, day out..OR come home to face an angry mother..y angry?Beats me..nah,i noe y..coz of sis..absence of dad's presence nvr failed to make her cry the whole nitez thru so that it'll irritate mum whu'll then use her tongue against me..seriously,what did i do?i didn't irritate her in the first place..I TRIED to b the good daughter once in a while,for wat..to flinch whenever she wields her sharp tongue against me...i noe i'm not a Perfect daughter,but at least i don't end up in jail every weekend..I don't sleep around to screw up my life, i don't flirt around to have fun to fulfill my lustful desires..i don't wear sexy clothes to show off whateva assets i have or have not..i don't do such things jus so i wont get onto their warpaths n adds to their problems..but maybe,my presence IS a problem in the 1st place...So dad's occupied wif work, mum gets occupied/angry at sis and direct her "energy" at me..me?i will juz lock herself in the room(like now)lost in her own world..hello,this is 'home' i don't want to be in my own world..i wanna be home...surrounded by familial love n comfort n warmth..i don't wanna come home to face angry ppl..i don't wanna come home knowing i'll juz b scolded or ignored (the former is when they're awake, and the latter is when they're asleep)..

i guessed it must be the serious glitches in the education system harboured all the way from pri sch when they instilled in us the meaning of 'father' and 'home'..father is the head of the family and it is his responsibility to keep his family safe, happy, healthy blah blah blah..and 'home' means a shelter under your roof where you live with your family members; an environment that is cosy,warm and filled with LuuRRve that makes u go 'aww..'..u noe wat?bullshit. Father is just a role that a man is forced to assume when he realised that he has an extra mouth or two to feed as indicated by tradition n education..there is no guidebook that teaches him to be a 'father' he gotta learn..and along the way,he'll make mistakes and the family is supposed to be all forgiving in nature n accepts him the way he is..cant accept;take it the modern ways;'divorce',single-parent family; dysfunctional..Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day;teach a man how to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime..in this case, the father gotta find the teacher first..and sometimes he never does..find it,i mean. 'Home'..is a place where i belongs..and if i dont?its called 'shelter' or worse, refugee camp.

So sometimes i noe how my friend feels when she says she juz wanna get out of the house and set up one of hers ..at least dont have to cum home to face those angry faces all geared to throw shit at ur face as a release of their pent-up anger..yet i do know settin up a home of my own would just b another new set of problems altogether complete with four walls n a roof..whats sad is its not jus my friend n me feelin this way..ALOT of ppl do..ALOT of singaporeans do..thats y there's bachelor and bachelorette pads around..coz we want to have that shred of belief that had instilled in us since pri. sch still be true...That coming home means coming back to where one belongs...and coming home means coming back knowing that your presence and existence in the world is wholly justified

My friend:"Its shameful when our pets, four-legged creatures, are able to show their love to us where our family cant.." Nicely put, i say.

i know what a dream is now. A dream is a piece of reality that'll always be one step out of our reach..coz once touched,it'll shatter or closed up..like a mimosa plant.

Me:I missed my cat..at least she acknowledge my presence and wlcm it..at least i know she Loves me..n now she's gone...-despairs-


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Wednesday, November 03, 2004

12th October 1985