Sunday, February 27, 2005

This morning, i asked my religious teacher y does some muslims chose to be an atheist n 'murtad'(out of religion) themselves...she told mi that in malaysia, there is actually a formal process of writing n signing a document to state ur officially out of religion...i asked her, where will they be buried when they die then...she replied 'not in the muslim cemetery for sure'..n she added "'its very sad so we must take precautions not to 'murtad' ourselves..even if we kid around or said it out of a script, its still considered 'murtad' "..

Anyway,i respect his decision n he dun understand mine..he sees religions as big restrictions in a life that is meant to be lived n to be enjoyed to the fullest..he sees religions as additions of more unnecessary rules than the rules of the universe/singapore that already exists..though i pleaded with him to see Beyond the rules n that the religion serves more for us to lead the 'right' path n guide us throughout our lives, he still didnt comprehend..maybe he never will...n i respect tat...

So i'm waddling thru day 1 of hurt of loving an atheist..i wonder how many days more i'll have to endure...how many days more must i grin n bear n said 'i'll be ok' n i'll survive coz i am alive ...for there are umpteen moments tat i wish i'll survive no more n juz like,be gone...coz it'll b so much easier..so much easier....

Yesterday,deep in my heart i knew i'll be a v.angry girl..i'll be angry at myself most..n i'll be angry at y this must happen when it has to end tis way..i tot i'll be angry at god coz y must tis happen when he knew the end..i tot i wont go for religious class coz i'll be too angry over my decision of choosing my religion over love...but then i'm not angry at god,coz its not his fault..its mine...for loving an atheist...a strong-believer atheist also..ironically,it strengthens my faith in my religion..though it breaks mi in every other way

its also 1 day nearer to the day that i'm wishin for to come true ..look on the bright side..:D:D:D:D..a day...that'll never come...har,wat the hell...

'loving an atheist'
'waiting for a day that seems impossible to arrive'
'i'll be waiting...in vain..but at least it gives me hope'..

false hope,har...bleahh

Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Sunday, February 27, 2005

12th October 1985