Friday, February 04, 2005

I used to be strong..now i am so weak n hapless..i used to haf things n stuff to grasp on n be motivated..now i feel lost..i used to believe so much in myself,that life will be the way i wanted them to be one day..i used to feel so much for others..now i feel detached instead..as though life is guided by alot more other factors from myself..as though life is not just living the way i wanted it to be..life is something bigger..n more confusin n dangerous..n all i wanna do is hide under my blanket n cry so the big meanie world will fear n not hurt mi anymore..u noe when u were once small,u were able to cry n everythin will turn out fine eventually sooner or later..u noe when u cry,its really crying your whole tiny heart out n maybe lungs also..u find that comfort that by juz cryin ur heart out shamelessly like a child, all issues can be resolved n 2morrow will be a bright shiny happy day in the world of children once more..i long for that comfort..

Tis i guess is juz mere teen's angst..felt by others whu were once in their teens n the teens of this time n age..yet today's teen is not facin wat yesterday' teens once faced..yesterday teens never see the 911 nor heard of Osama or BUSh..(well,maybe the older Bush yes la)..they never heard of Sars n Bird flu n nuclear bombs/wars that the present teens are face2face with..lest of all,they never haf to face an uncertain future dictate by the number n types of certificates or money one has..now i feel there is one more uncertainty...the uncertainty of how far ur education will take u..

in o'levels,there wasnt much uncertainty..either u go there or there or there..jc,poly,ite..no need to worri so much..esp wif ites being so high-achieving the past few yrs..any instituition is gd..then u went jc..the uncertainty of makin it thru the first year..the uncertainty of unabling to keep up wif ur studies..the uncertainty to get a decent grad..the uncertainty of facin the a'levels...lastly,the uncertainty of that even if u haf the grades,will the unis still want u..?their expectations increased everytime..even if u tink u got decent grades,will the tink the same way..nus took in 6000 every yr..not sure abt the rest..these unis are so busy in wantin to pick the best that classes are left empty coz they refused to pick the rest..so where do the rest go..private u,work,overseas u,poly..which brings abt more uncertainty..

in poly..there are alot more uncertainties..its not the same as that 'blanket' security a jc student has such as the MAIN motive is to DO well n Enter the U..in poly,every sem is unpredictable..some modules u may hate..some modules may piqued ur interest..then there's groupwork..some group gels, some dont..some never does..some is juz impossible..there's also individual work which offers some old sense of security..wif ind.exams,its the onli thing which u can grasp on to that if u study,u will do well..yet there's also those litter of tests to gauge ur progress..more uncertaintly..conclusion;u'll never haf a gd or even a faintest grasp of how ur grades will turn out in the end..

enuf bullshittin la..i'm havin swallow's eyes liaoz..bye..


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Friday, February 04, 2005

12th October 1985