Thursday, February 03, 2005

When i cry,i cry over things that ppl dun expect mi to cry abt..
When i cry,i dont stop until i can find the courage to stop..
When i cry,it doesnt have to mean i'm v.sad..
Rather,it can mean i'm very upset and very mad...very,very mad..>.
Super upset wif myself tis sem..already my individual works dont seem to be on par or gd enuf..n i dunno y..my writing sux tis sem too..sometimes i feel its coz i write too much..i haf tis habit of writin too much n my writin will juz slacken n goes downhill..it happened b4 durin my o'level days..thats y i got b3..i was too stressed out..thats y i got b3 again in gp..again,i was too stressed out n workin too hard twds achieving wat i wanted till in the end,i never get it la..ironic ar..ppl says hard work will bring u glory n makes ur dreams come true..but they never say anythin abt workin too hard...or too much..N for groupwork,our newscript got slammed like hell..really 'upsetted' mi alot considerin its mi n jiali whu took charge of it...i mean,the whole grp collaborated on wat we want on the script but in the end,it boiled down to jiali n me whu put everythin together...i'm blaming myself like siao cos i'm the one whu typed everythin out ar....it really goes to show how SUCKY my writing has become la until got slammed so teruk...then the waterworks started n i wont stop..from yck all the way to tanah merah i refused to stop..plus waited for him that half hour...1hr in total..so mad n so upset...juz coz of studies,so pathetic!

Was waitin for monkey to come but he was takin an awfully long time to finish his pool game n find mi so i juz broke down there n then while waitin for him lor..once started,cannot stop lor..ppl must be thinkin wat kind of bad news tis girl has gotten cryin like siao over at the corner..sometimes i tink i'm crazy..i can even break down over studies which some ppl dont give a damn abt also...but wat made mi cry harder was the echoin of my dad's words that i dun even noe wat i'm doin in school...he said it so pointedly like he really tink i'm dat slack at sch n never achieve anythin much..it makes mi so angry that while he's not even around,he can even go so far to juz accuse me anyhow without havin so much a basis of evidence...wats worse..i'm still goin on n on juz to prove him wrong..so sad ritez..being so hard to be a gd daughter ALL MY LIFE when all the while he tinks i'm juz a shitty daughter thats not growin up ENUF..

got home late today abt 11 odd then i juz got that vibe from him sittin there watchin tv..the vibe went like this 'i dont like tis comin home late kinda thing'..i remembered all the others 'i dont like tis...'..which made mi tink..wat then he like ar..i really really wonder...he told mi so often wat he dont like abt me..eg comin home late,goin out often...wat is it then he has like abt mi then...tink n tink..then i gave up coz i really dont know..v.tired liao...*gone*


Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Thursday, February 03, 2005

12th October 1985