Tuesday, March 01, 2005

chey,wat i've written is now gone liaoz coz i didnt managed to save it when my comp hanged..sometimes i wonder y am i putting up with tis ancient comp which has been troubling n givin mi new definitions of 'technological rage' everytime it crashes on me..it must have been love..-.-!

Anyway,i was bloggin about the five letter word 'IDIOT' which personified my day at school today la from the very beginnin to the end which ended coincidentally with an 'idiotic' movie called 'Jackass'..which was made on a 640k/64 k budget(mr azhar cant decide how many zeroes there are) n grossed much more profits that its kinda gross?..Anyway,the idiot started with me of course who scared 2 sbm students earli in the mornin juz coz i want to borrow their landyard for Vc's class..which was cancelled n the whole class DUNNO(wow!)..n i barged into ms wendy's office to ask her if she got spare landyard n she went like 'nooooooooo.of course not.ask the admin office'..anyway,it was a very long idiotic day at school..n itwas full of idiotic stuff..stuff like Mr.sesh bargin into the lift when mi n syaz n the rest of the sbm students are inside Not wearin our landyards..n he forced us ppl to Hold the life open..he Commanded us to hold the lift open while he qn n lectured us until we put on..O.O boy,that was scary..i actually tot i'll get debarred..If u tink vc is scary when it comes to not wearin landyards,here comes her Boss!..

Anywy,i didnt end up goin home after sch..was on my own tryin to recuperate n heal..actually, i was on my own trying to run away from something..but i realised that something was me..yea,it was deep inside me..i was tryin to run away from myself..n i knew no matter how far i go,i cant run so i 'ran' somewhere nearby la..i went to PS..went to eat coz i had no appetite for the whole day..then i managed to write some crap..then i went somewhere..then i went cityhall..went to HMV n listened to disney songs..played phil collins 'no way out' brother bear soundtrack like 4 times..the song aptly described me for now..then i saw the 'le papillon' VCD..which i had rented b4 n i found it pretty nice ar..then i saw 'Windstruck' vcd n i got torn btw the 2..i ended up buying 'windstruck' coz it brought back special memories ... maybe i'll buy 'le papillon' some other days ar..by then it was already 724pm..juz nice to head down to FOW..

where i sat there on my own..juz sat n stared n pondered n cried n stopped n stared n pondered some more...tink back to the last time i went there was during fastin mth when monkey was being childish n made mi felt like givin up the relationship..dat time,i had my best friend since sec sch to comfort me..juz now,i had nobody..n i didnt want anyone anyway wif mi..i juz want to be alone..so i sat there till like 930pm..enuf time to ponder n stared n cried n heal n hurt n eventually smiled..coz i knew monkey is safely home n he's takin it better than mi..if he can be strong,so can i..*hugs*..while i was learnin all tis thru his smses..the song 'miss u like crazy' by the moffatts came on..n i was like 'oh shit' n so i flowed like the FOW ..but then i stopped n dried up coz my 'strength' n optimism came back la..knowing that monkey is not takin it so hard(but he's into self-denial rather)..n he's askin mi not to take it so far tat it'll affect my studies,somehow i felt comforted by his 'strength' n eventually made my way home..

In fact,i got home in a better mood than i had been durin the weekend..my niece n nephew were around n i played ard wif the youngest one..somehow,i got irritated by the elder 2 whu persist to take my comp.games home which i had already allowed them so many times but its only their father stopppin them wat,not me..then i went to wash my striped blue shirt n discovered i got a big hole at the side..shitt..like jiali said 'go figure'..

anyway,monkey is dealing it as he usually does..play comp.games n not tink abt it..he told mi being single has its perks after all..like not goin thru all the hurt we kena..so i asked him 'does that mean u regret our time together?coz i had never did n i never will..n he said dunno la..*pained*..wateva la..juz grin n bear it ..Time is the only factor that is making all of tis painful...Time after school is also horrible coz we'll be without each other unless we plan to meet up for something..n he's still not sure if he wants mi in his life as a friend..like he said,'lets not tink abt it'..yea,lets not tink abt it *brave smile*..

Anyway,here's my crap i wrote after my dinner..alone..

I'm tryin to run away
-from the pain that is engulfin me
-from the fact tat we were not meant to be
I'm tryin to run away..into self-denial
To look for my rose-tinted glasses
& to find back the innocence of love i tot i've found
Trying to run away,far far away..
To rid of MY world n of all its pain
But then,i came across a mirror
n i see that i had not move at all.

Tryin to free me while i am freeing him
trying to erase the hurt that i'd caused him
tryin to erase the memories of us together
tryin to dis-engage myself from the pain
the hope,the love..everytin in btw..

wat the hell,tis is damn crap..

N now i'm waiting
waiting for what i'll nvr b sure
waiting for something thats out of my reach
waiting for him to come back
& all the while waiting for the pain to go away
I'm juz waitin for everythin to end
the pain,the heartache ..everything
but maybe,i'm juz waiting
for my wait to end..

SOmetimes i feel i'm waitin for nothing
just waitin for death n for whiteness
for everything to end n be gone
wait for him to move on
only then can i make my own move
waitin..for his pain to end
while waitin for my pain to consume me
waitin for my everthin to turn into nothing
till he comes back
n colour my world once more..

gee,i winced juz readin my own crap..after 2 years without lit,tis is wat i had been reduced to..it hurts.

Siti Nuraishah :+: Landed On :+: Tuesday, March 01, 2005

12th October 1985